Sun, rain, sun, rain, sun, rain, me and plants love IT! And can relate to the moody clouds. I started my day with waiting, lots of waiting. And counting and waaiiiittttiiiinnnggg. I know so many are waiting or have to wait because of this C-ituation. And sometimes feel powerless. I don’t want to complain about waiting in lines, waiting for next steps, waiting for finals. I Knoooowww sometimes you just have to wait. BUUUUUTTTTT: I HATE IT. Freedom of choice and more often than not it is an Option. For example if the subwayt-ime says 4 min, I just turn around and walk away ooooorrrrr while standing in Line- either skipping (no worries only when I know others) ORRRRR just walking the line away.
But there are those out of control W-ituations. And then you get this powerless feeling, because you just have to wait: And deep down you knoooowwwww, no one’s fault, be patient, it’s a process, be patient, don’t think about it, it’s gonna come, be fine, be patient, everything works out in the end,… Like a fuck, where you are close to cum, 90 percent there, out of sync, and then you don’t cum and then close again, 95 percent, and then again, render canceled, knowing it’s no ones fault, it is a process and again, close to 99,9 percent and thennnnnn you are like maybe??? Could it be final??? And you are like can I NOW CUUMMMM FINALLY???!!!!! Ahhhh, Noooooooooo, close, far, bäm, ja, NO,… MASTURBATE! some might say, YES, Always! BUT sometimes you just don’t feel the Lust No more and go to bed and just hope for tomorrow. Was I taking about Sex? This time actually Nooooo!!! BUUUTTTT I was trying to find a comparison, a bypass to avoid talking about something still in Process BECAUSE if I would name it, it could mean that it is something I don’t want AND I DO WANT IT or it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. BUT AHHHH, waiting!!!!!! Fucking challenge!!!
So gay said, Heyyyy, will you ever you bake a cake again? (I collapsed) After I woke again I was in a VERY weak state, but managed to type:
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(babes one b-day) BUT Still under shock and very dizzy. WHY? Because I remembered some weeks ago!!! THIS explicit Monday, when I thought I need a new hobby AND I tried AND then!!! my whole kitchen was full of butter and sugar and cream cheese!!!!! And I had to clean for days!! and nights!!!!!!!! Every Tile, every corner and I STILL see traces and slip!!!!!!! AHHH No! sorry I forgot, that was NOT the butter I slipped over, it was a Lube cover, jah, clumsy sometimes… BUT back Down Cake Lane, memorising the feeling when I ATE it ALL and couldn’t move for days and nights and HIGH on a complete sugar overdose and that caused I couldn’t sleep for weeks and my hands are STILL shaky cause I didn’t have a Mixer and had to use all my muscle power and had no tools anyway so I had to go undercover and borrow some and then I burned myself while testing if it’s done and ,… BUT!!!!!!! the worst part is I wrote something else!! STILL under shock!!! I texted: OR if we get a final Version of the piece. Under shock and probably still high on last cake, I went cake-ingredients-shopping. And THEN?! Waaiiiittttiiinnnngggg, again. SO jahhhh, You think I am going crazy? NOOOO, But NOW I have a DEADLINE, a real one coming up: 4th of May!! and I am not joking!!!!!! You think Berlinale, working on the Bär?, Cannes, Hollywood??? NOOOO! A REAL LINE! Why?? Because the eggs I bought will go bad that day!!!!!!! So we better have a Final until the D-EggLine!!!! Because in times like C I could not forgive myself to throw eggs away AND!!!!!!!!! I am not willing to traumatise myself with unnecessary baking ever!!! again!!!!
So question is how to deal with it, accepting? Ja, it’s a process… Or!!!!!
Napping!
So I will dream about Time, Time, Time, and how a minute or hour can sometimes feel like forever and sometimes just like a Bass Beat long.
No worries I won’t nap until the 4th, I will bravely suppress the W-and D-EggLine,
love x hanna